Blackest Grief
by prouvaires
Summary: One-shot in response to PaNcAK3s emotions challenge. Nate and Caitlyn lose their first chance at a family life.


She stared down at the tiny, too-small baby.

"Caitlyn?" She heard Nate's voice, and felt his strong arms encircle her waist. She didn't turn, still looking at their son. "Baby, it's not your fault. He wasn't ready."

Nate was trying to reassure her, she knew, but she couldn't help breaking down.

"Why me, Nate? Why can't I have a baby? Mitchie's got two. Peggy's got one. Tess has three! What's wrong with me?"

The tears streamed thick and fast down her face, and Nate could do nothing to comfort her, feeling tears prick at his own eyes as he looked at the tiny body. He had been terrified when Caitlyn went into labour two months early. Despite the efforts of the doctors, the baby had slipped away before he could catch a hold on life. He rocked Caitlyn slowly, and they took glad strength from each other. He moved his arm down, placing it gently on her stomach. He couldn't get used to the flatness, the lack of movement in there. She put her smaller hand over his, and they leaned into each other gratefully. Nate didn't turn as the door opened behind them.

"Mr and Mrs Taylor?"

Caitlyn broke free from Nate, but kept a hold of his hand. The doctor, female, looked suitably upset as she regarded the grieving couple.

"I'm so sorry. Usually even at that early age they survive, but he was not strong enough. We have conducted some tests, and we are certain that there is nothing wrong with either of you. Mrs Taylor, there is no reason why you should not carry the next baby full-term. If there's anything we can do …?" she trailed off, looking uncomfortable as Caitlyn turned her face into Nate's shoulder and started crying. The sound broke Nate's heart. It was not the tearing sobs from earlier, but rather despairing, muted gasps of hopelessness. He put an arm around her shoulder and addressed the doctor.

"Is there anything she should do to help her recover?" he asked quietly, the stress showing in the strain in his voice.

"Plenty of exercise – swimming would be the best form – and she should eat plenty to make sure she doesn't lose too much weight. Keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn't get depressed."

Caitlyn turned to give the doctor a baleful glare, and Nate had to smile a little.

"I wouldn't worry, doctor. Caitlyn's got a very sunny personality. And the sun always chases the clouds away."

The doctor smiled at the devotion that showed clearly in the quickly exchanged glance between the young couple.

"In that case, exercise, food …" she checked down on her list once and then looked back up at Nate.

"…and there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to start trying for another baby in a month or so." Then she addressed Caitlyn directly, "don't get pregnant too soon, dear, give your body time to recover. Pregnancy is harsh on a woman."

Caitlyn nodded into Nate's body. He said a hurried goodbye and thank you to the doctor, and then towed Caitlyn out of the hospital. She was still sobbing quietly, but her sobs were resigned now. Nate pulled the car keys out of his pocket with one hand and unlocked the car, pushing Caitlyn into the passenger seat as gently as he could, then slamming the door shut. He hurried round to the driver's side, but paused for a minute to lean against the side of the car. He put an arm over his eyes in a vain attempt to stop the tears from over spilling. Their son, who should have been their first, now lay cold and lifeless in a hospital cot. Nate knew he had to be strong to help Caitlyn get through it: he had always been her rock, her person to run to if things got rough.

And this was the roughest thing either of them had ever had to face.

Nate wasn't sure he was strong enough. But he had to be. He wrenched himself from his own grief to get in the car. Caitlyn gave him a small, sad smile as he turned on the ignition, and laid a hand on his arm.

"I love you," she told him in a low voice, gazing deep into his eyes to communicate that fact. He gave her a half-smile.

"Forever," he replied, his voice thick.

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They arrived back home eventually. There were balloons everywhere, blue banners and bunting decorating every available space. Mitchie and Shane's four-year-old daughter Lorana was having a piggy-back ride from Jason, goading him to run faster than Shane, who was being 'ridden' by Michael, Peggy and Jason's three-year-old, while Mitchie and Peggy watched from the sidelines. The atmosphere was charged, everybody waiting excitedly to see the new baby boy.

As Nate turned the car onto the driveway, he steeled himself. Caitlyn reached for his hand, smiling bravely as they were noticed and the rest of the 'family' – for that's how they viewed themselves – surged towards the car, massive smiles lighting up every single face. They were all chattering happily at once. Nate killed the engine and squeezed Caitlyn's hand once before opening his door and getting out. His obvious sadness stopped all conversation immediately. Nate opened the door silently for Caitlyn, who had to drag herself from the temporary haven the car had provided.

"Caitlyn? What happened?" Mitchie asked, rocking her second daughter absently as she regarded her friend.

"He was … too early," Caitlyn began, her voice cracking. Nate pulled her into him with an arm around her waist, and finished for her.

"He was born alright yesterday, but he was too weak and he died this morning at about eleven o' clock."

Shocked silence followed his remark. Peggy and Mitchie exchanged glances, and then Mitchie reached up to whisper into Shane's ear. He nodded.

"C'mon, Lorana, Mikey, let's go get some candy with Uncle Jason, 'kay?" he said to the two children he and Jason were still carrying, taking baby Raine from Mitchie and dragging his bandmate off in the direction of the house. Mitchie immediately went to Caitlyn and gave her a huge hug. Peggy followed soon afterwards, enclosing Caitlyn in a web of protection and understanding in a way only women can. However, Caitlyn kept a firm hold on Nate's hand, refusing to let him away from her for a second.

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Caitlyn laid the bright flowers carefully on the tiny grave, fresh tears forming as she gazed at the tiny headstone that read '_In my life for a day, in my heart forever.' _She rested a hand on her swollen belly as she straightened up, staring at the dates below the words. Then she wiped her eyes, annoyed with herself, but Nate came over to her and once more wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his hand on her stomach, feeling the strong nudge of life from within. He smiled a private, contended smile as he felt his daughter move beneath his hands.

"I love you," he whispered in Caitlyn's ear, brushing a lock of hair from her ear.

"Forever," she agreed, turning away from the grave as the sun broke through the heavy clouds.


End file.
